The Indispensable Habit of a Good Marriage

 ​“We speak boldly to each other,” she said.

“We don’t let anything get between us.”

The stories we’d just shared were all in process.

Some were heartbreaking.

Others redemptive.

Sorrow and hope mixed as the
conversation turned to our own marriages
and what the four of us (two couples)
determined kept our marriages positive.

Assuming Christ as the foundation, we landed on two other essentials:

1. Unwavering commitment – which creates safety for both spouses.
2. The indispensable habit of positive communication.

​
We discussed commitment in Anchored in Christ, Committed in Marriage.

Today, let’s look at this indispensable habit of positive communication.

I like the word indispensable.

Not only does it mean “absolutely necessary” and “essential”. It also means “incapable of being disregarded or neglected.”¹

This is important with marital communication.

It cannot be disregarded, nor neglected or there will inevitably be a fallout.

No one wants that!

Miscommunication is all too common, even among those who practice positive communication.

Then, there is habit.

My favorite definition here is “an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary.”²

This is my favorite because it talks about an acquired behavior.

This is not something that comes naturally.
It has to be worked on to become almost involuntary.

So with communication. 

You acquired communication patterns from your family of origin.

Some of these patterns are positive. Some are not.

Yet the good news is that you can ‘unlearn’ the negative and learn the positive.

You can acquire positive communication.

It will take work, like any habit. Yet it is available to you.

Positive communication means:

• Listening. Really listening to understand, not to respond back. It includes eye contact, asking questions, and paying attention. It is a sure way to communicate love.
• Blessing each other. What has your husband done well today? What do you appreciate about him? What can you thank him for? See Honor Your Husband for more.
• Knowing how to use ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. This has to do with saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
• Being honest with yourself and your husband. If you say you agree, when you actually don’t, you are lying. In addition, bitterness is likely to take root because you agree to something you don’t want to do.
  
• Understanding that conflict is normal and how to resolve it. For a more in-depth conversation on this, please see Healthy Conflict and How to Resolve Conflict.
  
• Getting beyond ‘just-the-facts’ with each other. The next step is sharing how you feel about something. The most vulnerable, and also the most connecting, is sharing something about who you are.
• Paying attention to the non-verbals. Are you making eye contact? What are your eyes communicating? Acceptance or disapproval? How about your body language? Do you stop what you’re doing to show attentiveness? Do you look around the room?

There is more, much more.

Entire seminars, books, segments of conferences, and more are available on this topic.

It is so nuanced, that we could spend an entire series on it. (Maybe we will!)

For now, how is your positive communication with your husband?

Put time, work, and energy into the indispensable habit of positive communication.

It will be well worth the effort.

Your marriage will be blessed, and so will you.


What is one aspect of positive communication that has blessed your marriage?
​Please share in the comments below to help and encourage each other.
​

¹ https://www.dictionary.com/browse/indispensable
² https://www.dictionary.com/browse/habit

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All Scripture references, unless otherwise indicated, are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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