How to Resolve Conflict

In our pre-marriage course, Pete and I were gifted with a great resource. I can’t remember exactly what it was called, yet we call it the wheel.

It has been a great tool for conflict resolution.

It goes like this:

One person shares their grievance using ‘I’ statements (no name calling, blaming, bringing up the past, must only be related to the present conflict at hand).

The other person repeats back what they just heard (no responding to what was said, no defending actions, simply repeating back).

The goal is understanding.

So many conflicts are a misinterpretation or misunderstanding.

After the other person repeats back, they say, “Is that right? Do I understand?”

The first person now gets a chance to say yes/no/partially and may clarify any portion that was still missed. The second person would repeat back again until the first feels understood about their perspective on the situation.

Then the second person gets a chance to share their grievance in the same manner. The first person repeats back, with the goal to understand, until the second person feels understood.

This can de-escalate any situation. It forces listening as opposed to defending.

We’ve often found that at this point in the wheel the problem is mostly solved. Everyone feels understood, which can be most of the battle.

The next step is any apologies and commitments that are needed.

The first person may say, “I’m sorry for ----------, would you please forgive me?” The second would ideally respond with, “I forgive you for ----------.”

The first person may say, “Going forward I will ---------, so that this won’t happen again. How does that sound to you?”

The second person can weigh in. Then it shifts to the second person for apologies and commitments where needed.

In the end, everyone is on the same team. We always are when we remember Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood…”

Satan wants to cause disruption, disunity, and put a wedge into every relationship. Especially those with God, yourself, your spouse, your children, and your parents.

Dividing families is his specialty. Be on guard. Your fight is not against flesh and blood.

Rather, think of yourself on the same team with the one you’re in conflict with. Who doesn’t want a peaceful, honest marriage? Connection with your child/parent?

There are other tools and strategies that have helped as well, like taking a break in the discussion to be alone and pray, with a commitment of a time to return to finish it.

This can save time, inviting the Lord’s perspective into the mix and taking an honest look at the role you’ve personally played in the conflict.

Conflict resolution takes work.

It is always worth it.

It brings greater unity, trust, connection, and freedom every time.

May you find yourself on a trajectory to honesty, transparency, unity and peace as you make the effort to work through conflict in a healthy manner.

As Romans 12: 18 states, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
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May peace reside in your heart and home today.

What is a conflict resolution tool that works well for you?
Please share in the comments below.

*All scripture from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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